Matt: Gimli
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“….AND MY AXE!”
Hells yeah Gimli, gimmie dat axe!
But no, seriously, how is Gimli not MVP of The Lord Of The Rings Orc Slaying League?! There’s Aragorn, the brooding swordsman too busy protecting those helpless hobbits, Legolas, the femininely elvish bowman who depends on long range tactics, Gandalf, Grandpa Magic, and then Gimli: Mr. “I’m going to run into battle like a pint-sized axe-wielding wrecking ball,” bowling over orcs like bowling pins.
Sure, you can argue his stout nature poses some type of weakness, but also a cunning advantage. While facing larger enemies, Gimli can scamper around in-between legs and out of immediate sight, making the chubby dwarf more an unexpected ninja when facing the right foe. He’s also perfectly built for cave fighting, easily maneuvering around tighter spaces and more cramped quarters, as long as the opening is wide enough to fit the hungry little warrior’s wider build. Oh yeah, did I mention he could be thrown across larger gaps, giving him access to areas other might not be able to jump? Sure, midget tossing might be against moral laws in today’s society (trust me on that one), but when traversing Mordor, or the Misty Mountains, or The Glittering Caves, having a smaller party member you can toss about is a pretty damn good advantage.
But enough about situational advantages, what about the unabashed kick-assery Gimli partakes in when using one of his numerous axes? He’s got his cousin Balin’s epic double sided battle-axe, retrieved from the mines of Moria, that offers him unparalleled close-combat efficiency, waving the axe back and forth without having to change grip. Left, dead, right, dead. Left, dead, right, dead – each swing as powerful and critical as the next. Then there’s his long-ranged throwing axe attacks, which admittedly doesn’t span as far as Legola’s bow, but still packs quite a punch when released from Gimli’s beefy paws. I certainly wouldn’t want to see one of his axes hurdling towards my skull, would you? Also, his three other specialized axes are created for specific types of battle, so Gimli is prepared to face any adversary dumb enough to challenge him. Staring at his assortment of orc defending tools, Gimli only has to ponder “well, I could kill them pretty easily with my double sided axe, but my single blade could still cut them like a knife through butter, but throwing axes could be more fun…” Decisions, decision.
Let’s not forget Gimli made Legolas his bitch in their little orc killing competition despite starting with a numbers disadvantage, making our bearded friend the hands down ultimate monster slayer. He easily cut down countless hordes of orcs while trapped in cave systems after being driven underground with Eomer and Isengard’s forces at the battle of Helm’s Deep. Nope, Gimli said “I’m gonna put the team on my back,” and started hacking and slashing his way back to daylight, meeting up with Legolas and the others, hoisting the all time kills trophy like a champ.
Oh yeah, Gimli is also the life of the party, being the only bro in the Fellowship I’d fancy a mug of mead with. Here’s to you Gimli, you dwarven legend amongst mere mortals.
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